Psychology Jokes

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Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

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One behaviorist meets another one on the street. He says, "Hi. How am I feeling today?"

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Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

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Secretary to Psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks he is invisible."
Psychologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."

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A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten and robbed. He lies unconscious, bleeding.
While he is lying there, a police officer passes by, but crosses to the other side of the road, without trying to help.
A boy scout troop does the same. As do a number of pedestrians.
Finally, a psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends down and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."

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During a session, a psychotherapist says to his client:
"Today we're going to try and analyze your Freudian slips. See, a Freudian slip is when you want to say something but you make a funny mistake and say something slightly different. The analysis of such a mistake can lead to some emotions you're in conflict with, some bad memories from your childhood, and so on. Have you made any such funny mistakes lately?"
The client thinks a moment, and responds:
"You know Doc, yeah. I made a funny mistake while talking to my mother. I was eating dinner with her and I wanted her to pass the salad, but instead I said: 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life, I hate you.'"

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One day a guy went to a psychologist for the first time. After telling him his troubles, the man says, "So doc, what's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "Well, you're crazy."
Indignant, the man replies, "I am not, I want another opinion."
To which the doctor replies, "OK... You're also ugly."

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A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find and antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor. The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

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Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out:
10) You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private therapeutic milieu."
9) You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life than you are.
8) A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness with a colleague.
7) You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start to categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had.
6) Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles, and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique has the most empirical validly for treating this problem.
5) You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just one big case load.
4) A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit "internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today.
3) Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that.
2) You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating boys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight," and her "emotions are not congruent with her chronological age." And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out...
1) You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and you take the DSM-IV with you just in case.