* * *
One behaviorist meets another one on the street. He says, "Hi. How am I feeling today?"
* * *
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.
* * *
Secretary to Psychologist: "Doctor, there is a patient here who thinks
he is invisible."
Psychologist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."
* * *
A man is walking along the street when he is brutally beaten and
robbed. He lies unconscious, bleeding.
While he is lying there, a police officer passes by, but crosses to
the other side of the road, without trying to help.
A boy scout troop does the same. As do a number of pedestrians.
Finally, a psychologist walks by, and runs up to the man. He bends
down and says, "My God! Whoever did this needs help."
* * *
During a session, a psychotherapist says to his client:
"Today we're going to try and analyze your Freudian slips. See, a
Freudian slip is when you want to say something but you make a funny
mistake and say something slightly different. The analysis of such a
mistake can lead to some emotions you're in conflict with, some bad
memories from your childhood, and so on. Have you made any such funny
mistakes lately?"
The client thinks a moment, and responds:
"You know Doc, yeah. I made a funny mistake while talking to my
mother. I was eating dinner with her and I wanted her to pass the
salad, but instead I said: 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life, I
hate you.'"
* * *
One day a guy went to a psychologist for the first time. After
telling him his troubles, the man says, "So doc, what's wrong with
me?"
The doctor replies, "Well, you're crazy."
Indignant, the man replies, "I am not, I want another opinion."
To
which the doctor replies, "OK... You're also ugly."
* * *
A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a
city park and they find and antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie
comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the Ph.D. student. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and
a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
* * *
Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out: